Road Hog Header

Jimmy and the Road Hog
Act 1
Narrator: You may remember that when we last left Jimmy, he had been involved in a terrible automobile accident and was going to spend 6 months in a wheelchair. In this episode, we join Jimmy at the doctor’s office…
Doctor: Well, Jimmy, it’s been six months and you’ve healed up nicely from your accident. You won’t need that wheelchair or those crutches any more. Your job now is to get your strength back.
Jimmy: Doc, so you think it’s okay to start driving?
Doctor: (chuckles) Whoa, young man! Hold your horses! I recommend you start walking, slowly at first, then after about a month, go jogging. It should do the trick and make that bad leg stronger. Then, think about driving.
Narrator: So Jimmy took the doctor’s advice and after two weeks, his treks into the countryside had become a habit.
(Jimmy humming. Bird sounds. Footsteps on dirt road sound?)
Jimmy: Say, who’s that heading this way? Oh, looks like a biker dude.
(Roar of motorcycle engine grows and becomes louder and louder.)
Jimmy: (Yells) Hey, hey! Look out! (Sound of falling on ground as motorcycle roars by. Jimmy groans.) What a road hog. There’s room for everybody on this ol’ dirt road, but would he go around me? (Sarcastic) No! I had to jump for my life! Well, there he goes around that turn up ahead. Thank goodness, I’ll never see him again.
Narrator: But Jimmy spoke too soon. When he came walking around the bend in the road, whom did he see but Mr. Road Hog himself under his toppled motorcycle, pulling himself to his feet and dusting himself off. This fellow wasn’t very friendly-looking. He had a Mohawk haircut and tattoos of writhing snakes up and down his arms. He had boots with spikes on the toes and a sleeveless black leather vest that had a skull on the back.
Jimmy: (sound of gulp) Uh, oh.
Road Hog (rough, menacing voice, shouting from a ways off): What do you want?
Jimmy: Nothing. I’m just walking. I was that guy you passed back there.
Road Hog: Oh, right. You’re the tenderfoot who wouldn’t play chicken with me. Well, now you got your revenge, pilgrim. I’m all scratched up and so is my cycle. Oh, yeah, go on, go ahead, laugh!
Jimmy: I’m not laughing. You could have been hurt. What happened?
Road Hog: (A little friendlier) I dunno. She just froze up on me all of a sudden, and we both keeled over.
Jimmy: Do you know what’s wrong?
Road Hog: Sure, what are ya, stupid? The blinkin’ blinkin’ stupid hog froze up and threw me on my blinkin’ keyster on the blinkin’ ground here.
Jimmy: Yes, but do you know why?
Road Hog: Because I didn’t finish my oatmeal this morning? Who knows? I’ll just hitch a ride into town and get a wrecker or something. ‘Bye, bye.
Narrator: Jimmy had his doubts that anybody would be willing to give this fellow a ride. He was beginning to feel a little sorry for this character.
Jimmy: I can help.
Road Hog: (Still sounding menacing) What’d you say? You think you know more about my hog than I do?
Jimmy: Um. Maybe not, but I fool around with bikes a little, and I think it might be your Front Forks. How long since you changed your fork oil?
Road Hog: Ha, just this morning!! Out with the old then filled it up with new.
Jimmy: Filled it up, did you say, you filled it up?
Road Hog: What are you deaf!, that’s what I said filled it up!
Jimmy: To the top?
Road Hog: (Mocking) Yes, to the top!!
Jimmy: Well that’s the problem with your steering. You have to precisely measure fork oil putting back exactly what you took out, or the bike won’t steer in a curve, you can get the quantity from your manual… We just need to bleed these out a bit so you can steer and when you get home drain it all back out and get the spec on exactly how much to put in each fork
Narrator: Jimmy was so intent on getting the motorcycle steering again, he forgot how scared he was. He knelt down and loosened the bleeding screw.
Jimmy: Just sit up here for me; holding the Bike strait up and push on the Forks a bit and I’ll let some of the excess out.
Road Hog: You’re kidding.
Jimmy: No, I’m not. Go ahead. Push down for me I have it loose on both sides.
Road Hog: (Muttering menacingly) If you done anything to ruin my machine, I’ll rip your blinkin’ head off, kid.
Narrator: Jimmy lets out some of the Fork Oil the reports back to Road Hog;
Jimmy: That ought to do it, going slowly now. Go check it out around that curve up ahead
(Motorcycle roars to life
(Sound of motorcycle driving off, getting fainter and fainter, not returning.)
Jimmy: What? He didn’t even come back to say it was better? (Sigh.) Who’d a thought Hebrews 13:2 “Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it.” Meant Hell’s Angels…(Jimmy Chuckles)
Act 2
Narrator: Now, all the time Jimmy was recuperating, his car was getting back on its feet—I mean, tires—as well. By the time his broken leg was strong enough to work the gas pedal and brake, his car was strong enough for him to drive. The day after the Road Hog incident, Jimmy decided to take the car for his first trip to the Malt Shop since the accident. Hester Headlights was so happy…
Hester Headlights: Gee, it’s good to be back on the road again. Look! I’m beaming!
Narrator: And Gracie Gastank was pleased, too.
Gracie GasTank: I know what you mean.  It’s great! Why, Jimmy just treated me to a total fill up (Burp), unleaded, of course. What do you think about our new family member?
Hester Headlights: Frenchy Fender? She seems nice. But she’s a little more forward than the Fran fender was, don’t you think?
Frenchy  Fender: (French accent) Did I hear someone speak my name? My friends must be admiring my body language. You know, Monsieur Jimmy can even see himself in me!
Gracie GasTank: Braggin’ don’t reflect well on ye, ya sweetie. It can only lead to trouble, that’s what I always say.
Frenchy  Fender:   Sacre Bleu! When you got it you got it, Madmoiselle  Gracie Gas Tank!
 Oh, be careful, Monsieur Jimmy! Not so fast! You might hit something!
Narrator: Indeed, Jimmy was so excited to be driving again, and eager to buy pretty Betty Lou from his Algebra class a chocolate shake, that he whipped in there rather fast.
(Crunching sound, car on gravel)
Now, parked side-by-side in front of the Malt Shop were eight shiny motorcycles, each with a big black helmet perched on the seat. When Jimmy swung into the parking slot next to them, poor Frenchy Fender just a lightly tapped the closest motorcycle and…
(Sound of motor cycles falling over.)
As Jimmy watched in horror, the first motorcycle fell over on the one next to it, and then the next one, and the next one…it was like a row of shiny chrome dominos…and helmets rolled like marbles across the gravel.
Jimmy: Oh, no! (Horrified voice) It’s like a row of shiny chrome dominos! And look, the helmets are rolling under those other cars!
Gracie GasTank: I don’t like this!
Frenchy Fender:Oh, look! I have a scratch on my beautiful finish! And it’s not my fault! Monsieur Jimmy, why did you go so fast?
Narrator: Jumping from his car, (Sound of car door slamming) Jimmy hurried to try to fix things.
Jimmy: (Grunting) Golly! This thing is so heavy! It won’t budge!
Narrator: Gracie, Frenchy and Hester were worried. Hester said…
          Hester: What’s he going to do? All those bikes!
Narrator: It didn’t take long before the people in the malt shop noticed that something was wrong. A group of eight bikers, to be exact. The first biker said:
Random Biker: Hey, whatchadoin’ there! Cut it out!
Narrator: And another biker came outside right behind him.
Another Random Biker: Take your hands off my hog!
Narrator: And another, and another…
A bunch of Bikers: (all at once) Hey, you! I’m going to tear your blinkin’ head off!/I’m gonna get ya!/growls
Jimmy: Oh, I’m so sorry, everybody! You see, my fender tapped this bike here, and they all sort of fell over. I’m trying to pick them up (grunts) but they’re awfully heavy!
Random Biker: Oh they are, are they?
Narrator: The eight bikers started to form a circle around Jimmy.
Another Random Biker: Hey, guys, whatta you say we teach this kid a lesson!
A bunch of Bikers: Yeah! All right! Let’s do it!
Jimmy: Now look, it was an accident. I-I apologize, but l-look, (grunt) I got your bike back up again! It’s OK, see? No harm done!
Random Biker: (Growls) We’ll get some harm done!
Road Hog: (surprised) Hey, wait a minute, guys. I know this kid!
He’s the one I was telling you about. He fixed my Forks good as new. (pleased murmuring among the bikers) Let’s cut him a little slack. Hey, Skeletor, you go over there and pick up Widowmaker’s bike and then, Goremaster, you pick up his, and so on. And Lizard, you pick up all the helmets. There now, everything’s OK.
(Pleased murmurs among the bikers)
          Gracie Gastank: Whew! That was a close one! Mebbe Jimmy’s learned his lesson about drivin’ too fast in a parkin’ lot.     
Frenchy Fender: I guess Monsieur Jimmy was right: Hebrews 13:2 “Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it.” In this case it did mean Hell’s Angels!
          Narrator: The Road Hog turned to Jimmy…
Road Hog: Hey, sorry about givin’ you all that flack, kid. Thanks again for the help with my bike the other day. I was so excited about gettin’ it goin’ again, I guess I forgot to thank you.
Jimmy: (in a shaky voice) Oh, that’s o-o-oh kay. And I’m s-sorry about the bikes. I haven’t been driving for a while and, well…
Road Hog: Forget about it. Listen, everybody, I’m going to treat my new friend—say, kid, what’s your name?—
Jimmy: Jimmy.
Road Hog: I want to treat Jimmy here to a double ice cream soda in the flavor of his choice! Who’s with me?
All the Bikers: Yeah!
Jimmy: That sounds great. Say, what’s your name? I didn’t get it.
Road Hog: You didn’t? The guys all call me Road Hog. I dunno know why! (general laughter)
Written by: Ellen Kennedy, Robby Dilmore and Ann Ault